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Friday, July 13, 2012

Mythical vs. Twilight

I was shocked to see #Twilight trending on Twitter last night. I mean, that movie is how many years old now? (Four)
 
I had to snap off a comment, tilting at the windmill of popculture: "Forget #Twilight and read Mythical- way more ass-kicking. Tinyurl.com/Det1039"
 
Weirdly, when I clicked on #Twilight, I don't see my comment. Which would explain the lack of comments or even the most infinitesimal increase in traffic or book sales.
 
But let's take my statement and run with it.
 
As I understand (because I won't read it or watch the movie) Twilight is about a girl in high school who meets a mysterious stranger who turns out to be a vampire. She gets drawn into some kind of conflict with other vampires when he starts to fall in love with her or something (or so my wife tells me).
 
Ten years ago, "Vampire" would have meant to me action. People getting killed, thrown around like ragdolls, that kind of thing. But these days it seems like vampires are metrosexually-confused wussies trying to act like Don Juan DeMarco with fangs. Is it Anne Rice's fault? Who knows. All I know is that vampires of today suck. They aren't scarey anymore.
 
The internet is filled with women that would love some vampire to suck on their neck. I don't get it. Vampires are made up- at least our vision of them today is. The old legends and myths paint vampires as monsters intent on using people as a food source, not an escort service.
 
I've never heard of a gazelle laying around wishing a lion would come eat it. Somewhere along the way Nosferatu has lost his purpose.
 
What then is Twilight? Romeo and Juliet with fangs and angst? Sounds like it to me.
 
Mythical doesn't have that problem.
 
I'll admit that when I first came up with the premise for the book, it was markedly different. I envisioned a GIANT vampire, freed from centuries in chains. I mean, vampires were scarey (once), right? So what about a GIANT vampire. But the whole neck sucking thing was just so cliched. And can you imagine how uncomfortable it would be for a giant, bending over to reach a neck, or lifting his food up to his level? Even undead, his back would be killing him.
 
I opted for heart eating. It worked for the Aztecs. I mean, what is scarier, Rico Suave, in his finest poofy-sleeved shirt licking at a woman's neck, or a six fingered hand punching into your chest and ripping your heart out in a single, quick, violent act? That's horror. Or at least horrifying.
 
But back to the ass kicking...
 
As I read the wikipedia page, I see that some vampire guy named Edward destroys some vampire guy named James, thereby saving the teenager named Bella. Then he sucks on Bella, preventing her from becoming a vampire (which I admit is a nice contrast to sucking to make her a vampire)
 
I'm sorry, but that doesn't sound like much ass kicking. One vampire vs one vampire? And they're both anemic pantywaists that sparkle in the sunlight?
 
Mythical has a super soldier who can heal any wound and is super strong. And a master of martial arts. He fights local yocals, FBI agents sent to capture him, a sorceress, and finally the shapeshifting, heart-eating giant (who can also turn into a fire-breathing dragon). There is asskicking galore in Mythical. At least a third of the book is nothing more than fight scenes tinged with drama.
 
Okay, I admit, there may be some similarities to Twilight. Yes, the main character is a teenage girl who meets a mysterious stranger who isn't normal. Yes, she is drawn into a world she never knew about. Maybe that was on purpose. Maybe it's an often-used plot. But the girl doesn't fall for the stranger- he's old enough to be her grandfather.
 
Nothing in Mythical sucks. Not the giant, not the hero, not the fight scenes.
 
Magic, Super powers and a monster. What more does a book need?
 
Forget Twilight, read Mythical.

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